Not One More Parotta!!!

For people who have had at least a brunch with me, they possibly would have adjudged what this blog post is going to be all about. They are well aware that I'm a diet conscious person (well, that is not for killing cholesterol and fat). Yes, I am little selective in eating food, not really in taking up healthy eatables but, by barring some unhealthy ones. And for those who don't know me, I can't take you to dinner, instead I can say in simple words that this article is about the ultimate ingredient of all time, which as well is the Caucasian gay cousin of China clay, 'Maida'.

I had been a rebel in almost all dinner tables (well, not all. BTW, I too had a love story (is a sweet novel by Ravinder Singh)) to avoid Maida which comes as a default statutory warning from me, which suits well for the readers of this blog too. So, before starting off this post, let me give you a statutory warning.

Maida is injurious to health. Maida Causes Cancer.

Undoubtedly, it would be parotta, when surveyed to figure out the national food of India, the unanimous call of 90 per cent of Indian population. If Hindi can be national language in terms of usage, why not parotta? While, for the left out 10 per cent, they are in a world tour tasting different cuisines involving foods like Spaghetti, Penne, noodles and Shawarma, that are, at the end of the day going to be other forms of Maida.

It is a well known fact that India is a haven for all those goods and ideologies, which are literally nonexistent in rest of the world. It accepted Monosodium gultamate, welcomed Hinduism, metamorphosed a rapist into an entrepreneur, and in that row it had put Maida into the market of edibles.

Seriously, not joking. Post industrialisation, mankind progressed towards mass production. The human race was finding every single way to multiply the volume of all possible things, except his IQ, which could have at least stopped him from producing Maida. So, in the route of exponentiation wheat flour, he bleached it with Alloxen, a chemical which, as I stated above, is banned in most of the western countries. At the end of this bleaching process, he fabricated Maida. The main reason for this alloxen to be banned in all those so called developed nations is because it causes Sugar. Well, not as provision items at the stores, but in form of insulin-dependent diabetes.

There are two more brothers of alloxen, who are also employed in processing Maida, namely Benzoyl peroixde who as well works for cleaning toilets thus by giving this character for Maida, for cleaning our intestine to be germ-free (scientifically proven germi check formula it seems!). While the least and little brother is Chlorine dioxide, the final bleaching agent, is just a carcinogen and as a bonanza gives indigestion for free. Who cares?

That is how Maida came into existence. It was in the same era, MGR too evolved as Super Star of Tamil cinema, the largest entertainment industry next to politics, and was most dependent on Maida. You are thinking what's the point in talking about MGR, cinema and politics here, and you could also end, building up a political conspiracy theory in your minds right? but, it's not. So much serious effort is unnecessary for a humour column (I mean, a wannabe humour column).

Pause. Let me explain. During the early 1950's, wall posters were one of the most important medium to publicise any movie or a political party for which Maida was the key ingredient to prepare poster-glue. As MGR was a movie star as well a politician, he too was dependent on Maida for a mammoth reason (When posters stuck on walls, MGR apparently stuck in hearts). Chill, I was just beating around the bush. But, I can still relate Maida and MGR as both names starts with 'M'. Simply wanted to say how Maida helped one to become a super star and subsequently a chief minister.

Such a politically significant Maida should have had a great story to tell about its evolution as a kitchen good. When I was thinking about this history of  Maida, a hypothesis popped out. There should have been an Indian Archimedes, who presumably worked in a super market, in the mid 1960s, and had accidentally placed this wall-poster-glue material in the groceries section of his work place and led to the revolutionary discovery of Maida. Eureka!

Ironically, Maida which was supposed to be the substitute to Fevicol, is actually substituting wheat. Wait a moment! Something more ironical is that, now wheat has been given as alternate, when Maida goes out of stock. Ever heard of wheat parotta or wheat bread in eateries? Parotta and bread, in history, were made only of wheat. At some point in time, the child has beaten his father. Yes Maida became prominent and wheat became the working president (Seyal Thalaivar) of bakeries. Means, it exists as the prime ingredient, but is always useless.

Quiet hard to visualise, right? You will understand this, some day in late future, when restaurants serve the common Chappathi made of Maida, and a special dish will be listed in menu card, which would be believed to be good for health. Specially roasted, for people, who follow a balanced diet, on doctor's advice, are health conscious and those who have diabetes mellitus. That is going to be nothing but, 'Wheat Chappathi'. Now you should have got this, I hope. At that time, visit this blog again and give a thumbs up in comment box.

Even now you can fill in your comments down here, and the best comment would win an exciting trip to Italy. Oh no, wait, they might kill you with this toxic Maida contented pastas and pizzas. So, you better stay back and keep supporting the Judgemental Journalist.

P.s As this is the first time I am writing a humour column (I strongly believe it to be) in my blog, which is hardly humourous, there could be some glitches here and there or almost everywhere. If you really like it, kindly appreciate me and if you don't, you can still appreciate me for making this attempt. Finally I have to end this humour column as I am running out of jokes, which may even push me to stop this article half wa...

- Santhosh Mathevan

Chennai, May 25, 2017